just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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