i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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