I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
