i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
