last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
