I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
