at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
