I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
