Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
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In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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