I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
