i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
