he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
