just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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