I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
