Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
