Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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