this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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