my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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