your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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