eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
