i just wanna soil my oats bro
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
