drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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