Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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