got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
