I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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