I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
