Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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