Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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