you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
