Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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