Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Barsexuality is the new black.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
3 2 1 whiskey
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
