Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
