Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
