Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
