Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
