Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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