Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
