Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
