The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My life is pants optional.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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