glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
