um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
