I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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