Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think my moral compass just broke
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
