i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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