did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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