my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
