that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
