What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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