I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
