Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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