I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
