I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
