i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
