he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
