Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
